How often did you hear the words "should" and "better" when you were growing up? You "better" finish your milk or dinner or homework. You "should" be nice to Bobby Joe even though he just pushed you into Mrs. Kravitz's rosebush.

Two little words, imbedded in our psyches, that have more power over us as adults than we care to admit. Two little words which come up all too often when we are talking about all the things we think we have to do.

We constantly overuse these two words, most of the time completely unaware of the stress and guilt they are creating:

• "I really 'should' call my friend Sue back even though she'll rant and rave about how it's been so long since I called and I'll end up with a headache the size of New Jersey and she'll keep me on the phone for hours tonight and I have to make that presentation tomorrow. . ."
  
  
• "I'd 'better' volunteer to help with the neighborhood directory even though I don't want to or have the time because if I don't everyone will think I'm a slouch and not doing my part and then I'll feel guilty. . ."
  
  
• "We'd 'better' sign our daughter up for two soccer teams, basketball and ballet and trumpet lessons even though she doesn't want to and her grades may suffer but her friends do all these things and we can't let her fall behind. . ."

Shoulds and betters can hold our personal time hostage if we let them, never giving us the time to actually enjoy life.

Really, how can you let yourself sit down in the evening and catch up on your reading when you "should" be doing laundry? And don't even think about turning the television on to catch your favorite program. You "should" be writing the outline for Mr. Big's presentation you volunteered to do because you thought you'd "better."

As adults in the 90s, we are inundated with things to do. Finish one project and there's another on your desk. Make two phone calls and get three more to return on your answering machine ("homework for adults," one of my friends says.)

Step out of the house to shop and come home only to have to put things away, catch up on what wasn't done while you were gone, make dinner and lunches for the next day and still have time for a pleasant conversation with your family.

Being able to give priorities to life's details and find some balance can be the key to survival.

To accomplish that, "Remind yourself when you die, your `in basket' won't be empty," Richard Carlson, Ph.D, writes in "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff. . .and it's all small stuff."

"So many of us live our lives as if the secret purpose is to somehow get everything done," Carlson writes. "We stay up late, get up early, avoid having fun and keep our loved ones waiting."

Of course, there are things we should do because they make for a better life for us. We should be honest and honorable. We should guard against stressors and feeling guilty. We should work hard and play hard, spend time with our family and friends and have some fun every day.

This should go without saying, but we seem to need constant reminders of what's really important in life. Otherwise, we tend to fall back into old destructive patterns, prey to the shoulds and the betters which give us very little peace.

To free yourself, the next time you catch yourself about to say "I should" or "I better," substitute "I have to." If you really do — hands-down, no questions asked, bad karma will happen unless you do — go right ahead. But if you don't, stop and think long and hard about it. You'll make a better decision.